I'm one of those Pagans, affectionately labeled 'Book-Pagans', those will read and read and read even more about a particular subject, ritual, deity, etc and never actually do anything. I haven't meditated for over 6 months, and it's never been a regular practice like I have wanted it to be. I always seem to have a excuse that prevents me from doing anything for the Solstice or Equinox. I experience something that finally opens up a direction in the way of Deity, and I spend all my time reading, instead of figuring out how to establish a relationship with them and learn directly from them. I'm tired of not acting on my interests. If I'm interested, it seems silly not to take the interest further.
So, I've decided to start dipping my toes into the world of Non-Book-Pagans and actually doing something 'active' in regards to my spirituality. I really have no idea where to start, but I guess regular meditation is always a decent starting point. Perhaps if I can quiet my mind, I might even be able to listen to the Gods and get their guidance. Seems logical, doesn't it? -_-
I also found something of interest while reading Freyja's myths lastnight. She was married to a man, Odh, who travelled for long periods of time, and she would stay behind and cried. She must have loved him very much, regardless of her reputation to be quite... promiscuous? I think perhaps she took interest in me because I'm going through something similar with Tom being away at the moment. If my tears turn to gold like her's did, I'd be able to pay for uni and get my laptop...
I want to set up a little altar in honor of her. I'm thinking a nice big amber or gold candle, a nice delicate piece of amber and red material, a painting of her (which I'm in the brainstorming stages of) and, a pretty little bowl for offerings, some sandalwood incense and some nice flowers. At least to begin with. I think she will like that.
I had an entry in my head last night, but I was too lazy to write
anything as it was quite lengthy... and now I have forgot everything I
wanted to make a point of writing save one incident.. one incident I
can't remember very well. Figures.
I
had a dream the other night. And remembering that I even dreamed is
something that only happen occasionally for me. Most details of the
dream are hazy, at best, but the dream itself has sparked on a search
for something.
I dreamed of Thor and Freyja. Deities showing up
in dreams is a rare occurrence for me. Once a handful of years ago I
had something come to me in a dream, but I think it was a guide or a
form of my inner self, as I have never found a Goddess anywhere in
history that was anything like her. So, the fact I had a dream that
involved two deities, from a pantheon I had not given much thought to
in the past actually happened is pretty surprising.
I don't
remember what the dream was about at all. I remember seeing Thor in
front of my bed speaking to me (I have no idea what was actually being
said), and in true bizzaro-style of any dreams I have ever remembered,
he hands me the phone and I am on the phone talking to Freyja (and don't remember the conversation).
I've
been on the net searching up any information I can find on the two of
them. Perhaps something will jog my memory, or maybe they will come to
me again and my memory won't fail me next time. I have this urge to
paint them both, so I'm going to get some new acrylics and some canvas
and start doing that in my spare time.
I'm mainly focusing on Freyja at the moment. While I didn't even see
her in the dream, only spoke to her on the phone (lol, gosh that sounds
weird..) I resonate with her when I read about her, and since the
dream, the family cat (who either ignored my existence, or runs off
when I try and pat her unless i come with dinner...) is very nice to
me. Comes up and smooches and wants me to give her lavishes of
attention. Freyja is associated with cats (they draw her chariot,
legend says).
I'm going to keep open. Maybe try and reach out to Them. Make an offering and see if I 'bump' into Her or Him again.
I identify with both of
them personality-wise the more I read about them. I've also began
looking into Asatru and Non-Asatru spiritual paths that have Norse
Deities.
Because I am a member of a VERY active forum in regards to occult, metaphysics, religion/spirituality, we get a hell of a lot of debates. Some not so heated, but most are likely to be heated. I make a concious decision to stay out of our Politics section, regardless of how curious I am, because I know I would leave with a headache.
One thing I notice that has happened frequently, is that often people accuse others of being condescending, or being a bit 'fluffy', or some other kind of rude in their replies to a thread that was made. Then, someone replies to defend either themselves or a friend on the issue saying "this is the internet, you don't know what kind of tone she is saying that in, don't assume", or something similar. Personally, especially in a forum of people who are apparently more psychically aware, I think this is a ironic way of thinking. I read some posts there and get AWFUL feelings. Pick up on hatred, on fear, anger, elation... and I am of course not the only one to experience this. So the idea of not knowing how someone was portraying their words is ridiculous! Some posts there literally give me crawling skin and I shut the window. Sometimes it's the person on the other end, but most of the time it's the intent behind the words.
I mentioned this to another person, and they scoffed at the idea. Yet, when asked if they thought you could do energy healing, or pick up on other people through a connection via the internet (as a focus point, of course, not a literal connection) for other psychic activities, they agreed saying 'of course!'. Go figure.
Family. Now, I'm not talking about my family... my sister, and parents.
I'm talking about people who really touch your very core, and understand you
- and you them. Perhaps for some people their (biological/adoptive)
family was like that, but my family never really advocated closeness.
Or Family Tradition. Though, I believe my mother and sister craved it,
probably as much as I do now.
I
love my family, and I love my partner. Very much. And all these people
are different and attribute my life in some way through our
interactions together. But I want someone in my life that I can connect
to soul-deep. And by no means do I think this has to be a romantic
relationship.
I crave a Coven. A Tribe. A group of people who
are like me and revel in the things that I revel in. I've been content
with being an outside for so long. But now I want part in the world. I
want these amazing people to come into my life. I suppose I want to
belong somewhere.
Maybe these people don't exist. But I'll keep hoping, and searching.
